More Blue than Green

A little sick, a little sad.
But today I feel more blue than green.
I keep lying awake at night, unable to sleep, yet unable to rise.
My mind fights its demons, busy lists that seem important.
Questions tickering off their tape.
So…
I keep asking on this personal quest, what did Jesus do?
Because I really can't know "what Jesus would do."
His stories seem topsy turvy - one thing he is not is calmly predictable.
And exactly what is going on with me was not going on with him.
But when people felt like me, and they went to Jesus sick and afflicted
When they brought their demons - whatever those might have been
Mark says Jesus "cured their sick bodies and tormented spirits."
Mark quotes Jesus saying, "This is why I've come."
Preaching and throwing out demons.
One man comes, covered in leprosy - and says, "If you want to, you can cleanse me."
Lucky guy. Jesus says, "I want. Be clean."
I think Jesus wants it for me too, for you - I think Jesus wants all the worry gone.
Wants the demons of doomed thoughts and deeds to disappear.
And… for some reason, he doesn't want us to say anything.
Over and over again Mark's Jesus says, don't tell, say nothing, keep it quiet.
But nobody does.
The news is too good, too crazy, too much
To hide it under a bushel.
It is a mystery why he asks to keep it on the down low
- except that the news is like a raging fire and spreads just as fast.
So, Jesus ends up in "out of the way places" - unable to even move -
Because people heard him, heard about him, found him, came from all over.
I know when my yellow sunshine turns to gray skies - I want to tell too.
And for sure when the gray skies turn bright again - I want to tell that too.
So, I don’t know if that is right or not -
The Bible doesn't tell me so.
It isn't always clear on what I should share and what I should keep to myself.
So, it begs me to think it through, to know what is the better part of valor and when.
I just know Jesus does an awful lot of healing in those stories.
And, I am in some pain right now.
I'm trusting in the hands of some friends and some strangers
To put me back together again.
So, whatever color my day is - green, blue, or yellow -
I pray that I find peace in my shadows
Sleep in my nights
Hands to hold in my meantime
Wisdom in my uncertainty
Love in my empty places
Answers in my questions
And the promise that this is why Jesus came - to fight some of what I feel right now.
Amen.

In Wisdom,
Brandi Calhoun Diamond